Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
