I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
