Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
