How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
