My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
