Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
