His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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