Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
