Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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