this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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