I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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