Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My breasts were aching with rage.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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