420 ftw
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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