I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
