I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
