I need to stop coming to work sober
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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