who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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