Capitaan dildo arrescate!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
