So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
just found out that she named her cat after me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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