My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
