you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
