Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
