Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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