You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Also, beer. Big fan.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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