we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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