Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
