3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
