just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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