By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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