I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
