I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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