look no pants
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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