xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
