its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
