and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
