I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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