Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
