You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
