I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
