Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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