My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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