I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
