? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
