ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
