Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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