When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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