I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
