stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
