Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
