i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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